Like everywhere in the country, Wisconsin’s elections were turning into a regular shitshow, especially in the federal races. We watched in horror and disbelief when they announced the slugs and sleazeballs like Glenn Grothman, Tom Tiffany and Drunken Van Orden were winning. Even worse, it looked like the state’s worst nightmare since Ron Johnson beat Russ Feingold was about to come a sickening reality.
Late into the night, with most of the precincts reporting in, Eric “Pornstache” Hovde was up by some 80,000 votes. Hovde and his campaign team started to try to bully Senator Tammy Baldwin into conceding the race. They mocked her when she told her supporters at her election watch party to go home without speaking to them. But Baldwin is an experienced and savvy politician. More importantly, she’s from Wisconsin and is familiar with state’s quirkiness, especially with elections.
Baldwin held on and watched the remaining numbers slowly coming in. She knew that Milwaukee was still tabulating it’s 108,000 absentee ballots. And sure enough, in the wee hours of the morning, those uncounted ballots were counted, and the lead was reversed so fast that Hovde’s pornstache almost fell off.
With 99% of the ballots counted, Baldwin won with 49.4% of the vote and a margin of just under 30,000 votes, less than 1 percentage point ahead of Hovde, who finished with 48.5%. The Associated Press called the race for Baldwin at 12:42 p.m. Wednesday.
Baldwin first declared victory at 4:30 in the morning, but after the AP called it eight hours later, she issued this statement, savoring the tweaking of Hovde’s nose:
“The voters have spoken and our campaign has won,” said Tammy Baldwin. “The people of Wisconsin have chosen someone who always puts Wisconsin first, someone who shows up, listens, and works with everyone to get the job done. And they rejected the billionaires and the special interests who want to come to our state, spread hate and division, and buy their way into power. I am proud to head back to the Senate as we embrace our state motto, Forward, and keep fighting for the workers, farmers, and families that make our state great. From the bottom of my heart, it is an honor to serve the people of Wisconsin.”
It should be noted that Hovde is within the margin to call for a recount. However, depending on the final numbers, he might have to pay for the recount himself. And considering he just pissed away $20 million of his own money on the campaign, not to mention all the flights back and forth to his home in California, he might be reluctant to throw even more money away.
Here’s some free advice to Hovde. Pack up, load up the truck and go back home to Laguna Beach. And when you are done crying and uncurl from the fetal position, shave that cheese moustache off. You look like the freaking Brawny man!
