Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor is Fantasy Suites.
This is where the host (Jesse Palmer) gives the couples creepy AF handwritten notes inviting them to spend the night together, off camera, to explore their relationship (whatever that means for them).
It’s also usually the episode where one of the contestants gets upset because, despite this franchise having nearly 30 seasons, it hasn’t occurred to them that The Bachelor might sleep with other people on his “journey.”
Before we get started though, someone on social media pointed this out and I can’t unsee it:
That’s Luca from Pixar.
Anyway, we open in Tulum where Joey is (already) crying because he’s worried about his heart being broken. He says he fully opened up to Charity and got his heart broken so he’s afraid to open up again, which makes his decision to be on the show even more baffling.
Then, inexplicably Susan from The Golden Bachelor shows up to talk to Rachel because Jesse asked her to. It’s like a mom telling her daughter about the birds and the bees vibe and it’s real weird.
Susan tells her that if she loves Joey, she needs to be vulnerable with him.
Susan did not win The Golden Bachelor, BTW.
On their date, Joey says of Rachel “We just have this gel that makes sense.”
Like a …a lubricating gel?
Numbing perhaps?
Anti-bacterial. That’s gotta be it.
Anyway, Joey and Rachel go swimming in a cenote. They dive in and Rachel hits the water with her face and is obviously in a lot of pain. A medic shows up and she can’t totally open her jaw until he manipulates it, so that’s not great.
They go to the hospital where x-rays show nothing is broken, but obviously she’s still in pain. I don’t know why Rachel decides to go through with the rest of the date versus take a painkiller and lay in bed with an ice pack, but she does.
She says she feels bad that she ruined the date. How did she ruin the date? Even Joey points out she didn’t do anything wrong.
At one point Rachel starts crying BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO TAKE SOME IBUPROFEN AND GO TO BED FFS.
Then they open the creepy card from Jesse who writes in all capital letters for some reason. They go to the Fantasy Suite.
The next date goes to Kelsey A.
Mirroring the weird Susan conversation, Leslie from The Golden Bachelor comes to talk to her. Leslie tells her that she wishes she wasn’t so confident on her last date because she was devastated when she was let go.
“Always have something in the back of your head that you might not be it,” she says.
LOL best pep talk ever.
They take a yacht for a spin and make out on the deck.
During dinner, Kelsey tells him that she loves him.
Joey looks absolutely hammered, BTW.
I hope Kelsey finds something good on TV tonight when Joey passes out later. At one point I think he intends to talk, but he just makes this weird silent chewing gesture.
I wish I was that drunk right now.
They go to the Fantasy Suite.
The next morning Kelsey says she’s so happy she could cry.
Click for me
Daisy gets her “mom talk” from The Golden Bachelor’s Sandra. She tells Daisy to stay positive and be sexual. Sandra isn’t fucking around.
For their date, Joey and Daisy go on a ATV ride in the forest.
Meanwhile Kelsey is sitting in her room, fixating on Leslie’s comments about thinking she had it in the bag and getting her heart broken.
Back on their date, Daisy and Joey take an outdoor shower and make out.
During dinner Joey tells her he worries that people fall in love with the idea of him, not the real him. Daisy starts crying because she’s “thankful” for him.
They opt for the Fantasy Suite as well.
The next morning Joey reflects that if he proposed to Daisy, he thinks she would say yes.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is still freaking out–THANKS LESLIE–and leaves a note on his door.
So then Joey gets home from his overnight, sees the note saying “We need to talk” and completely spirals.
“I’m so done with this,” he says through tears. “I’m giving everything I can and feel like they’re not choosing me.”
All over a note that says we need to talk?
After three successful dates? Calm down, man.
And that’s where we end. Are you watching?
