Robert Pattinson has been a busy guy lately. Mainly, congratulations are in order for the veteran actor, whose longtime girlfriend, Suki Waterhouse, recently seemingly confirmed they are expecting their first baby! This will be the first child for both Suki and Robert. While both Waterhouse and RPatz are in the biz — we last saw Suki in Daisy Jones & The Six and RPatz in Batman — it seems Rob’s got another secret talent. For the last several months, he’s been hard at work creating a gorgeous sofa. Given the fact that he’s about to welcome a baby into the world, we have to look at this sofa the only way we know how: will it hold up for RPatz as he enters his new phase in life — that of Dad?
It depends on how you look at it. RPatz co-designed the couch with Nicole Gordon and, per Architectural Digest, really wanted to design a couch that “people could embrace — which would embrace them right back.” And what he came up with is a couch that looks a little bit like… an ear?
Sure, a super duper fancy-shmancy, custom-made designer couch might not be exactly the type of rough-and-ready furniture new parents need to be ready to have ruined with a blow-out or two. And the couch is certainly unique — ear-like, with two floating arms strong enough to hold 350 pounds — bulbous and strange. It feels a bit like something Bruce Wayne would own, but back when he was played by Christian Bale, not Robert Pattinson’s moody emo Bruce.
Then again, couldn’t the floating arms be two perfect baby changing stations — perfect for parents with multiple kids or newborn twins? Or maybe they’re dual time-out benches for siblings who can’t help but pester each other?
And check out that massive crevasse at the back of the couch. Every parent knows there’s a no-mans-land behind their couch and the wall or in between the couch cushions, a snug garbage chute where kids hide rotting apple slices or half-eaten lollipops, not to mention binkies, toys, and goldfish crackers. Could this large gap between the couch cushion and the couch back actually be the perfect way to end the horrors of what exists under our couch? After all, it sure looks like a harried parent can fit their arms back there to pick up what their toddler is screaming for without feeling like they’re going to dislocate our shoulder — or resort to moving the couch out of the way and making us face everything else that’s collected under there.
However, there’s an elephant in the room. A white elephant. The only thing we can truly fault is the color of the couch. Look, it’s gorgeous. But it’s just not practical. RPatz — for future reference — white couches and children, let alone the basics of everyday life, just don’t mix. (Never forget that Seinfeld episode.) The color white is like a magnet for a multitude of messes, whether it be from an unexpected diaper blowout, a toddler who was unsupervised for a split second and found a marker, or a teenager who bit into a Hot Pocket before letting it cool.
Did Rob design this with a baby in mind? Was his goal to make the best couch that looks cool to other people while being perfectly practical for parents? We’re going to guess no. But that doesn’t matter — whether or not Rob intended to or even realizes it now, he may have created the perfect luxurious couch for a newborn.
Rob’s original sofa is currently on display at LF Chen in Los Angeles, and, frighteningly, there’s no price listed. (That old adage “If you have to ask…” likely applies here.) Only six are available for sale, all sofas will be made-to-order, and we can only hope, maybe after Rob’s baby is born, that he releases another version with a dark performance stain-wicking fabric. And maybe an attachment for a Bumbo.